07 Jan 2024

Caterpillar man

U asked me if I am capable to take care of everything since I am the elder one, when I asked angrily what do you mean, you said it's about decision making. I am not sure if you really meant that . And "my circle" like you mentioned is definitely different and I had put myself in it for a long time to not know the difference of who is real and who is not. I wish I was bound to Coimbatore in that sense, I wish I was a lot less independent. And I don't really enjoy all this knowledge and independence, it comes with a cost.

I can tell you this, i think I am not good with decision making, I really don't know, i struggle with decisions because I always have handled all my problems by myself and never really had anyone to guide me in any capacity. It has been just my own decisions good or bad. I am kinda slow to decide because i overthink and analyse too much. May be that's why you called it "fear" , may be it is because I was also betrayed and have seen a lot of it growing up in various forms. But I always go by what my heart says, I take time to build trust. I also don't like to be told "what to do" without any kindness / love in it. I will not agree. I will rebel and rather shut anyone away. 

I am a certain way bcos of my experiences, for me respect takes over everything else. Which is so hard to get as a woman. If i speak few extra words I will be given a "name". I am always asked to undersell me, which I won't do too. I know I am not the perfect woman but I am worthy even with the flaws I got. And I also expect the man in my life to see, understand and appreciate all that I am and choose me for it than anything else. There is no shame in accepting the negatives in our life, it's what makes us to be a better person. Recognising and acknowledging to oneself is the difficult part. I also believe in evolving, teaching and sharing with eachother as we grow old together. 

Yes, I would rather not be involved with someone in middle of divorce, because i feel it's wrong. I have never been married so I don't know how all these develop and how it's managed. It took couple of years for me to accept that breakup and divorce are no different. It's all same. Some involves government papers so it's difficult to leave. 

I called my friend when I kept repeating "why did u hide", bcos i really couldnt take dishonesty even though you are a stranger. What if you lie about something else which is inevitable and it's unfair to expect too. She advised me to calm down and talk to you tomorrow. That's why I msged you that . I had just woken up when I read your good morning msg at 1pm, with in half an hour before I finish my breakfast you sent another msg telling me to unmatch . Why provoke, you could have asked what happened or if I am there ? I understand you got hurt, and from what I noticed all South Indian guys were hesitant to say that they are divorced and told after a day or two, but every one else said upfront. I am a South Indian too and from a simple city and a simple home, I am all this "so forward thinking" is just in recent years, i learnt from how to be confident to how to put on a jeans and be comfortable in it. Even my English has taken several years and bcos of regular practice. It's not easy, me expecting the whole world to be in sync with me is not reasonable. 

Up until then, i thought may be i should give my number to you. Then you said those, then i was worried, then it just ended. Not sure why I am writing this too. Though I don't know you and not sure if I will even like you in person. Same about me, what if u don't like me. I liked that you are disciplined and told about movies which I liked watching and have watched too. I just thought I can talk to this guy and your ego wasn't that big of an issue as every other man bcos you seem to it handle it pretty well.