19 June 2023

You were my home 

You were my home. Do you remember the evening when i hugged you and couldn't let go of you and told you repeatedly that i don't want to go back to my parents place, that's the evening when i realised that you are my home and i was not ok to leave you and go somewhere else, i was 19 may be. But it felt so close to my heart that it crushed me to leave you and go. 

Even today when i think of home, it's you and your house. Most days i was by the door begging with you to let me in and i would stay by the door hoping you would let me in.

Somedays all that we did was spend all our time in the bedroom and living room floor. I have lived my years in few days when ever possible. And i would be at my happiest forgetting that there is a real world out there behind the doors. And i cared the least about anyone or anything when i was with you in our home.

Ironic how I could call it our home when i was never acknowledged the same. I would be allowed in the kitchen sometimes and you would cook for me too. And i would be elated to hear all the stories about your little garden behind the home and the terrace and the mango tree when we spoke via phone when i stayed away. I always wondered how it would be in real. 

However i was never allowed to go to the garden or the terrace so i don't know what it would feel like for real. All i know about them are via through your eyes and words.

And one day suddenly, you made sure you took you and that home i dearly loved with you and gave to someone else such that now i don't even know where it is. And nothing has been same ever since. I certainly did lose my trust on you but other things seem to linger now and then.

Its been 4.5 years since i lost you and our home, all that i have is a lot of memories. And you have to believe me when i say this, i have been on the lookout for a similar or even a 1/100th of what i felt even though I was not always welcomed, i haven't found it yet.

But i am still hopeful of finding one. Even if it won't feel the same. But i am still in search my home and the house. That's the search i am more into even if i don't really know how or why .