27 May 2023
Misplaced love
For the first time i cried thinking that i had put all my love affection and attachment towards someone who neither understood or deserved.
I was better than him all possible ways, even now when I spoke my heart and on the vulnerable moments all he pointed out was what went wrong and dissected the situation and tried to put me down for how i handled it .
There is not a tiny bit of compassion or love or even friendship there to react that way. Knowing i cried and was going back to my old ways out of my control , he did the exact same thing instead of solving it. May be i am in the wrong too, not may be, i am so wrong to behave that way but him triggering was the only reason for me to act up that way too. It is just never in sync him.
He said i am no different than anyone else, he said i claimed that i am different. I don't want to be any different than the next person all that i want is the normal things which everyone go through. My acceptance level may be low, i am clear in what i want, or my fate may be wrong to not get any of it but i don't want to be any different. He dint agree, was not a surprise.
When i said all that i look for in a person is some comfort and being there for eachother he laughed but i strongly believe thats reasonable and everyone would want the same. Couldn't understand why I was mocked and called egoistic and self centred .
He asked for whom I cry and he himself answered that i cry for myself . So there is nothing to it. I wonder, who he would cry for , everyone cries for themselves. Who doesn't ?
He also mocked my feminist talks, even if i did so why does it bother his ass? What's so wrong in being a feminist. I atleast do what i believe in and stand on my own. I don't try to hurt him every single chance i get. I never put him down when in reality it is his situation which is worse than any of our friends that even his own wife (who he claims so which doesn't seam to be for real as per her) says he doesn't have anything to support her.
I am so mad at myself for being so affected by his opinions and talks and his degrading nature which comes so naturally to him.
All that i could think of is how come I loved him to begin with, i don't relate to him and our views are so different. If i have to dance to the arranged marriage tunes just bcos i registerd on matrimony, what difference does him and an random person on the app make ? Aren't they both same, if same how on earth would he understand what i am trying to say. Yes, i want to be married and have a family but that doesn't mean i give up my own sense of self and live a false narrative to get a person , atleast i wouldn't want it that way.
He talked about my friend accepting me and me believing that i think it is her understanding me. Even if it is just acceptance, isn't that required to begin with? Yes i am all in for growing and evolving and moving forward, but don't it need acceptance and the place to stand as foundation to do all the growing??