30 April 2023

I can't do this anymore. I tried but it just keeps reminding me of a lot of things i have moved on from a long time ago. It makes me anxious. I was never valued and given love that i longed for most of our time together, but i am someone who gets nothing but love from most people in my life and i still wander with my yellow bedsheet that i got for you and look for a home to go back to at the end of day and feel at home and have someone to talk to. I got nothing but love to hold on in life.

I dont know how to be friends with you, it's very unusual to be that way. I am very selective about who i share my life with or even talk to, for the longest time i wanted it to be with you but i am afraid i might start hating you if we keep in touch which i don't want to happen, also i cant accept people say anything bad about you. Even today i don't have anyone else who i like as much as I liked and valued you. 

Two women who i cant stand and hurt me the most for no good reason are very important in your life and i did nothing to them personally to have been treated that way and denied to even talk to you privately one last time and told i will never have anyone to talk to in my life(which apparently is true and you have no idea how much it haunts me till date). I want to be empathetic and have a big heart but it's tuff, i have no hate but it's no fun either to keep knowing about their whereabouts too. Am human to keep testing my thresholds and not get beaten by it. I also knew i was never important in your life. 

I can't pretend as if I don't care when it's you, i do very much and i worry about you a lot even if i don't share it with you. Nothing is as simple and straight as it was. And i am very much ok in wishing you for your birthday in my head than really tell you for real. I have gotten used to keep you just in my thoughts irrespective of how you saw me since I have known you.

I am still scared of you and think a million times on how you would take it. But i don't have to if i don't talk to you. I want to be loved too and cared for too. Or atleast be left alone and not be worrying about things and knowing about people i don't really want to even be reminded of in life. 

I know it will hurt you, i know and i understand i am hurting too, instead we can avoid this by being strangers. You did want us to move on, and not once u reached out to me in those 4 years, just bcos i don't discuss or say about those things doesn't mean they don't exist or i think about. You made your choice. When u came to me a year ago, i couldn't see you suffer alone and i wanted to be there . Even now i would if i could.

I also strongly feel and believe that, no matter how much i try to say, u have your judgements over me and will go ahead and have your own understanding of why I am saying all this now. I have no control over it and it's fine if i don't make sense. I don't really believe in falling out of love, we all stop caring and remove us from the situation to save ourselves.