Dec 11 2020

4.38 am

I had to write this down, yes I don't have the guts to tell you any of this but I still do feel'em 

It's going to be a year since we met. And you are msging me random shit now and then for the entire year. You hugged me so well, I felt at peace. Though I know for a fact that we are not even remotely close to have any common interests. 

So this is how it goes, you measage me, a forward. Don't know if it can be counted as a message. As my friend says it's like 'you are in my thoughts message'. She too feels you are very introverted and that's why you are sending those to me. Am not complaining, but you should know once you do message me, you linger in my thoughts for days. I wonder why is that. There are so many other guys who message me and attempt to talk. I don't remember any of that but I remember your message and you very vividly. 

I imagine stuff with you. To be honest, am at the worst I guess at life. I am so blank I am unable to do anything productive. But imagining you by my side brings joy. I even have a pet name for you at this point. Well, atleast I should save that for you to be told in person if I ever do. 

And you made me write how much I missed being intimate with someone. Is it wrong to miss it ? Is it wrong to expect hugs and kisses and much more ? How can it be wrong? You know how hard is to come in touch with someone who can make you feel anything like this ? I am introverted too, I know how hard it is for me to believe someone then talk about kissing. 

I honestly have no idea what I am looking for in life. All that I always have dreamt of is having a home which I can come back to, have someone beside me, talk about everything under the sun, be truly present if possible do something good or learn that make you feel close to nature like farming or teaching and sleep peacefully. Yea, sleep. I miss sleep. It's been so long since I slept at peace. 

I wish I can say these to someone. Anyone. And get a hug and fall asleep like a kid. You hugged me so well. I am tried trying, I wish to try something else for a change and not love. I don't know if what I feel for you is love. Guess I will never know but it doesn't feel terribly bad. It actually makes things lighter and bearable. Do you have any idea that all these thoughts run wild in my mind? Or am I just blankly obsessed and imagining?

I will never know.