Aug 29 2020
You will never be ready for anything in life, life always just happens
No, it's not a negative statement. What I mean is, you will never have to wait for certain things to happen to meet someone or do something in life. Today is one such day which made me realise it so strongly. And I thought I will not have any regrets with life, guess I will regret never contacting you ma, I will never be able to see or talk to you ever again.
My grandmother passed away this morning, I was hoping to see her but the situation is such that I was not able to go due to corona and even I went, they would have done the last rights before I reached. And one more reason to stay here, I want to be there for my family. All that they gave me was love and nothing else.
She lived alone for 15 years in that big house, i was thinking once I meet my partner I would go meet her as if it's so bloody important. I dint even talk to her post my break-up. I just couldn't. None of her grandchildren got married and I am sure she must have hurt that I never contacted her.
I loved that house. Happiest days of my life was in that house. She was part of all my holidays and vacation for first 20 years of life. Now that I try to remember her and my memories, one distinct thing which always comes to mind is, she used to have a cow, with the milk she used to make butter the old way by churning and when she made ghee it would fill the entire house with that smell, she added curry leaves to it. It's something which always comes to mind. She made oppitu when I attained puberty, my chithi took me to her place, she made my favourite dal rice and this sweet. Whenever I went she was stubborn to make me some sweet, she used to make coconut barfi. She used to tell me wear chain and keep bindi. She was interested in knowing how I lived what I did and told me grandpa would have been proud that we all did well with our college and work.
She always complained about her knee pain, I wish she lived with one of her kids. Or may be she was happy there. I wouldn't know. Pongal, she used to do pooja for sun in the backyard, she was a hard-core farmer untill she was really really old. She was calm. She was curious. She just wanted people to come over and stay. Yes, she might have had her favouritism, but I never once made to feel that. She liked us all. I wish she knows that I meant to visit her once I was married or had a partner. I just wish she stayed a little while longer. I wanted to. I really did. I am so sorry I never told you or made an effort to convey. I am deeply sorry that I couldn't be there even today to see you one last time.
I hope you are at peace and with no more knee pain. Hope those painkillers took away all your pain and you are free and back with grandpa and in a really better place where you will be at peace. I will visit your home. I want to take a little of you and grandpa with me when I leave.