June 6 2020

Me again

I don't want to give any fucking disclaimers. He sat beside me. I don't even remember the room or which hotel it was, I cried . I cried as if I am gonna die if he leaves me again. Non stop. It chokes me when I think of it even now. I don't know how much more I can bear and be honest about what I felt, I told him repeatedly that I was not able to be with out him anymore. I have moved half way across the country, to place where people speak different language, a place where I knew no one, I managed to find a place and I met him yet again in the hotel room, like that's what our home was as far as I remember. I have lost my self respect, shame and mind that I had no inhibition to be myself in these public places. I cried from my heart and kept telling him that I was not able to go on anymore without him . That it's killing me from inside to see him leave again and again with just promises of being together. That I was not able to take it anymore to stay away from him even for a day. He had no fucking work, he had no where he has to be. But still he chose to leave. It fucking hurt me to my bone. It broke me . He was beside me, sitting beside me, looking at me. I was looking at him into his eyes, holding him, telling him not to leave me again. I have no idea, how he could just stare at me not saying a word and watch me cry and continue begging him. I loved him, he knew that, he saw me suffer, he saw me crying, he saw me decay day by day over this, but he had nothing to say or do anything over it. 

I cried until I got exhausted, I got nothing from him, I was not sure what was going on in his mind. Fuck yes, he could have told me not to depend on him anymore and asked me to leave him, he fucking dint. He never did. He always promised for a future, never the present. And in these sick hotel rooms. 

We ended up spending the day shopping for him, even then he had to think a million times about the money it would cost though I was ok to pay for. Because it affected his pride to take money from me, as if he always paid for the hotels we stayed in, now not taking money for those pants is gonne give his pride back ? Not once I have brought money in thr relationship. I did as i would do for me. 

And it doesn't stop there, it never does, because he is the one who always leaves, I had to go drop him to his bus, because those few minutes are so fucking important and I had to be with him?? What the fuck, if it was so fucking important, why the fuck can't you stay for another day and find a fucking house which you kept pestering me to take ? 

End of the night, I stand there, watching him leave to Mumbai on the highway, as if he had so much work to get back to and it's more important than us. It was never us, it was always him. Even now, I feel so sick to keep writing about him. I wish I could get rid of him. I wanted to find myself and not use this as a way to whine about my unbearable past. You will continue to haunt me until I die. I will keep fighting you, I won't take it anymore 

Fuck, just when I thought I don't get angry anymore. I do, but I don't act upon it. I write instead. Funny how circumstances change you.