April 16 2020

I dont want to admit that I liked someone toxic again or was it just lost familiarity ?

As much as I want to write this and remember it to not do it again. I don't want to write how vulnerable and hurt I feel. I never thought I would like you, I don't even know if I like you and wanted to see you or do anything with you. Before I got to any of that, I had to chose to let go of you from my life. 

I have known you for what 15 days ? And talked to you for 3 days ? And messaged you for odd number of days, I don't have the count. But I don't understand when and why I liked you. What made me feel so attached to you. I found a lot of similarity with my ex. But you are not completely the same, but I felt the same. I got attached so quickly that I couldn't believe. Mornings, yes my mornings were with your thoughts. How can that be , so soon? I haven't even met you. I have seen 3 pictures of you. I believe that's your name what ever you told me. I have heard you. I slept with you in words. I asked you to hug me, I never ask that . Because a hug means so much to me . And I asked you for it, I imagined hugging you . I believed when you said you hugged me tight and looked into my eyes. I caved in and went to a different world every time you talked . 

As much as it all sounds so wonderful and magical. The way you treated me post knowing I really liked you is completely opposite to how you treated me before that. And I hate to admit to myself, it was mostly about sex after a point. Because I really wanted to get to know you, but you kept ditching me. And you know what, I felt crushed when ever you gave a hurtful reply and threw the words at me as if I was comparing you to random person but in reality I just wanted to know what you thought. It really hurt, I have cried continuosly in these few days. And i haven't cried this way since he left, where I feel the ache in my heart and it does something to my tummy. It's been more than a year. And I thought only he could make me feel all those, but you are doing it too. How is that possible? Why? 

I don't have the strength to endure this again. How much ever magical or incomprehensible this is, I still don't want to put myself through this. I am not strong enough to get broken again through the same ways. I felt everything with you in this very short span of time. I probably will forget you as time goes by, but I will never get to know what was in your mind. Its ok, I also know you wouldn't give a shit for me for leaving like this or attempt to contact me and probably think I am a nut case. I am ok with that, because I too want that . I am done. I will be done by tomorrow morning. I want you gone. 

And how can I forget mentioning this? I felt low, incapable like an idiot when you changed the way you treated me. Instead of being defensive or protecting myself or having self respect, I caved in and cried ? What the fuck was that? I am more than what you think or understood in this short time . I knew that, still I let me feel that vulnerable. For what? It's not worth it. 

Addition on 17th: 

Turns out I was fooled . But to another level this time. This only proves that love or these connections are not very real, everything is in your head. You long for and get attached to things which are either familiar to you in the past or the ones you lack in your current life. The familiarity in my case is toxic negligence and looked down upon because you think that person is better than you and you got someone to tell you what to do and just blindly follow. I understood this time on what is the worst thing I can do to myself in name of love. And it again proved that no amount of this toxicness is any good. And run as far as possible when one treats you in any way similar to what it was.