Mar 28 2020

You, you make me feel vulnerable, every single time, why ?

So covid 19 is doing things which no one even dreamt of like what you did to me a year ago, I have sent you a message, I couldn't stop myself that day. I felt I should ask you to be safe. I did to everyone I knew and thought of. I have asked strangers to be safe and questioned if they are. I think it's a very natural feeling of mine which I dint want to restrict.

Today, I unblocked you. And I went and saw what picture I had on my display, so when you see me after a long time(if you do) I wanted to know that I am happy in it. Its one of my favourite picture with my pet Inji. He was too tiny and liked sleeping near my neck. Someone said, I really looked pretty and happy in it. I wish you would see it.

But that's not why I wanted to write this today, you always doubted my love. You made me doubt my love. You thought it was just an obsession and a want, a selfish want of mine to be with you and call it love. Well, it's been more than a year, I really don't want you back, can't see you or hear you either. It will break me. I have talked to a million guys, I fell in love too, I was very much attracted to one and let him kiss me too and more. I met someone who I didn't feel anything at all. There are many, I have tried my best to find love again. But what I had with you, I think it's still there. The moment I think about you it just comes back crashing, not that I want you back. I would rather live and die without that, but how I feel and the way I feel and the things that comes into my mind, the vulnerability, the rush of fear what if I might still love you ? All creeps in. 

If what you said about my love was true, why do I still feel them ? If it was just a selfish want and obsession why do I still feel the same every time I think about you ? What do I get out of it ? Can you explain to me again why you called it an obsession and not love ? If this is not love, then what is ? I don't want anything from you, not in my wildest dreams I want things to go back to what it was . It has broken me to pieces. You know that too. But why are these feelings not going away ? I have learnt to lock them up and accept what comes in my way, but this is not going anywhere or changing anyway. 

If this is not love, then what is love ?