28 Dec 2023
It's been 5 years since you choose to let go of me, a lot has happened in my life but I am in same place in a sense from where I saw myself with life at 35 and I know you might be back with the girl you wanted to live with hopefully and have felt all the happiness that comes with having the person you love the most back in life and appreciate the person more.
I miss you the most to date and you remain my most favourite person irrespective of our differences , situation and who we are living with. I think of you almost every single night before I sleep, it's been the same for all the years I have known you. You have been the only constant and comfort in my head who helped me go through life both when I was with you and when i am not. I have had conversations in my head with you. No matter how people see it, how you saw it, how much ever there are problems, you are the only one who i could be my true self with even in my own head.
I always looked up to you though we disagree on a lot of things. I miss being in love and that's the only thing I have to give anyone, nothing else really makes sense as always. I have accepted that that's how I am. I really hope you are able to appreciate what you have got and understand what I am saying.
I never felt angry at you, I only would think i don't get to share my years and life with you. I hope we will get to a place where we will be able to do that when we are older when all this love, who is with who and what defines a relationship will cease, to where friendship, being there and care takes a lot more importance.
I never admitted any of this when we spoke bcos i wanted you to know and see I can live by myself and do it well and I continue to do that inspite of all the fears I have with life. All i genuinely wanted was to be there to my capacity though it was very hard for me to listen about your love for someone else and your life with out me in it.
I am also a lot more confident and at peace too most times. I can very well calm myself down and not have a meltdown like I used to. I am not giving up unless my heart is in it I am not going to be with anyone for the sake of it. I wanted to convey that too. If there is one person who I would want approval of is you and I don't know why I seek your validation. So it bothers when you say anything hence the disagreements.
Also I knew very well that you were so carefull of me getting attached to you and becoming another problem when you wanted to talk and be friends. Well, i am attached to you and I don't have to show it to you or do anything about it. Most of my memories of life is with you it's impossible to not feel it. Also like I said i don't have the trust in you anymore but everything else is there. Doesn't mean I can't have my own life. I don't know how to explain it.
There is no reason to these paragraphs, I have been the lonliest I have ever felt in life but it doesn't hurt a lot like it used to, and who else to share this with but you.
Take care of your health too along with everything else but 1st is health also worried that you are neglecting it. You never defined anything when it comes to me, now even I don't want to do that. So it is what it is - nothing more to this like you always put a disclaimer. No big attachment than what's already there and no expectation over anything (so don't worry), just felt i should pen down my letter to you like I have done for the past 5 years and kept to myself.