July 19 2020

Irrational fear of abondonment

Three days ago when my cat was being too nice to me, I wondered why I never wrote about him. Then I thought I always write when I really felt the need and not to just glorify something when it doesn't come with a force within.

It's been 2 days since Inji left, I was hoping he would show up yesterday morning as he always does. It was ok yesterday, I still hoped he would trun up this morning. But he dint, I am not sure where he is or if he will return. 

I miss him, I really hope and wish he returns to me. I won't be able to take an another loss at this point, especially him. I have no one to talk to on this or cry to. I had just him, I am not sure if he will return as days pass by.

And this just brings back all the times I felt this way earlier in my life. When I love someone too much, they always leave. Is it fair ? Is it wrong to even love unconditionally? Why everyone has to go ? That too without saying goodbye? Why is it hurting? 

I am just too scared to love anyone or trust anyone to love unconditionally. What if they leave ? Everyone will advise I should let go and accept if they wanted to leave, I am trying to understand. But I don't know how to love without having an attachment. How is that possible? Why do they have to leave ? Why can't they stay, I am not leaving, I would want to stay. Why no one wants to stay ?