9 Dec 2022

Nov 2022

I turned 34, i had a quiet birthday with one friend who travelled just to wish me in person. She made me cut a cake, though she ate half of it, early in the morning even before i was fully awake. Even after my morning stings, she was there, which felt great. Attention, love and affection on days when you need the most makes more sense and people who make an effort for the same are special.

It was not an easy month, i wanted to start celebrating all the festivals again, but when i couldnt celebrate diwali because I was so scared of turning 34 and being alone and not having anyone to turn to when you feel sad is awful. I was ok on my b'day but the entire month of November was hard. I moved to Bangalore deliberately, i stayed by myself, finished off 6k in two weeks over food, all i did was eat, sleep and numb my brain with random videos. I stopped talking, even to my best friend because even she dint seem to understand or care and most importantly dint have the time for me. I have had many fights over this earlier in hope she would understand but i don't blame her, that's how life is. Unless u are real partners in life, it's hard to be there for eachother all the time and particularly when you want more than normal. 

I uninstalled dating apps too, it was overwhelming to handle turning 34 and not being anywhere close to what i want in life, my ex turning up as and when he felt like and drained my left over strength over his issues was too much to handle, so i stopped contacting him too. Though it was not great, i allowed myself to be sad, i cried, i ate to my heart's content, i did what gave me comfort, i wallowed in my own little sad month which was supposed to be a happy one. It was a really happy month most of my years while growing up but this one was not the great in a happy way. I also wouldn't say it's bad, it was just sad and it was required for me to go through for me allow me to accept things and move on and celebrate in a different way. 

Slowly i started cooking instead of ordering food, i am still at my highest of my weight, i am petrified of gaining more. I am trying to sleep, oh sleep, i have struggled with you a lot, i wish for sleep and peace . More than peace, how funny. Now almost mid of December another sad anniversary month which was not so sad last 3 years, i wonder how I feel. I feel ok, i feel better not great but not bad. Less sadder i believe. 

All that i want to remind myself with all that boys giving attention to me again, it feels fine. Not just bcos of the boys, also bcos of how i navigate through all these even in my loneliest of times. And i am also constantly thinking about adoption which may be something i should start considering now that i am gonna become 35 soon. Life is good, yes it is. My parents are ok, i have friends who are really there, there is always some guy even if it doesn't last, and i am making a lot of money which i dont know what to do with. Oh, i have a pet street cat who comes at 12 am and demands food with his meows, life is really really good and peaceful. I can't wait to celebrate my 34 for 11 more months .