Aug 1 2022

I don't know with whom I can share this with, but i am not able to stop thinking on this. I know no one will accept if me and S get back together. No one will understand and will judge us so much. I don't even know if it is a possibility. I don't think S would want it too. I have no idea how he sees me now. And as much as I loved him, he has loved this girl and i can clearly see that with everything he has been through these years. 

But my stupid mind couldn't stop thinking how it would be if at we got married as we planned. It would have been 4+ years of marriage now, i might even have a kid with him. We might have a home where all would be living together. 

Instead, i am single. He is heartbroken and separated. Both of us don't have a home or a space to ourselves to call it home. He is in Mumbai again looking for houses and i will be going to Bangalore and do the same. 

Are we cursed so much that we both are suffering at 33? What's the point, when everyone of our friends have something stable in their lives. Why are we both left out and why are we both suffering so much that we can't even talk to eachother anymore. What's is this. Why are we coming back in each other's life again. I thought it was ended, what does this even mean? What is the universe trying to tell us? Should I or should I not continue talking to him? How will I know any of this?