July 24 2022

Independence

Another shitty day! I wonder if i am independent as much as i think i am. Because I clearly have problem in staying all by myself for more than 2 days in a row. It was great, the first two days, post that it's worse, i was not able to bring myself to get out of the house and meet the dermatologist, I could have gone home by Saturday and ended this suffering of being on my own in an empty house. Even though i knew i still couldn't bring myself so i had to stay here until Monday to get my work done. 

Financially, managing myself when I get anxiety attacks, being ok with having lunch by myself and go around the city with my own company, sitting with myself with just my thoughts, talking to myself, what not, i seem to do all of this. I am quite independent in all possible ways.

But "being overly independent is a trauma response ", i read this and it stuck in my mind. I question what independence is even? Why i am not able to bare to be with myself after few days,my mind runs as if its on a treadmill at full speed. I just realised I forgot to even drink water. I am on auto mode bcos i have to breathe eat and defacte. Other than that i am not ok. 

To hell with independence and to fool myself that i am ok when i am clearly not. This is not how independence should feel like if it is then this is not ok and no one should think being independent is a great way to live life because it's not.