Mar 24 2022
3 Years of my madness in Bangalore
There are so many layers to why I put in all my energy and faith and blind hope into dating, i don't even want to call it dating because i dint know what dating was before 3 years. I just put myself, my pictures and my words out there to random strangers after i moved to Bangalore. Not because i wanted to have fun and date but i was looking for my person so i would be able to build a home and friendship with them so that I will somewhere may be able to find out if i can find love again. I was so sure that i won't be able to fall in love with anyone else when I started in 2019 April.
Deep in my heart i always knew i would like to have a home with a lot of plants, kitchen garden, may be pets and a really tasteful home with the person I love and children we might have. I am fan of big family though i don't know if it wil work for me but i do believe that. I always wanted that, even now if someone asks me what is important in life i would say this. I am well aware of the ever-changing world, the dynamics of relationship love and dating, still i would want to have this irrespective of how much ever i read or come across all the possible perspectives in life. May be I don't want to have biological children, but i am very much open to adoption because i believe in family. When we are allowed to choose our partners in life, we should certainly be allowed to choose children if you can't have or don't want to have biological children.
I took just 3 months to recover from the biggest disaster of my life till date. I moved cities, pulled stunts to make it happen the way I wanted it. I held on to my friend so strong, i believed in myself like i never did, i dint give up until i learned to calm myself down, i started writing, i learn so much about me in these years. I had a lot of fun than I ever did when it came to dating and meeting strangers. So much to learn. Never really regret anything so far, i gave my all though it may sound stupid to some, i did attempt everything with all my heart to find someone who i could live with.
But none of it worked, i am not really sure and sometimes I have wondered why it's not working only with me because they all seem to like me but when it comes to relationship or marriage, no one even boarded the relationship bus. Anyways, i think it's time to lose focus on this and put it in the back burner, because i never really can stop looking for my person, but i would like to pause and do what always worked for me.
Which is, find a better more interesting job or take the diploma course and live in a foreign land and face the challenge which I have been avoiding for 3 months now. Just because my work is going so well with absolutely no big effort doesn't mean i will get to enjoy that forever, its not fair and i have to channel all my, well most of my energy to may be making more money and challenging myself to the next level.
Still the same girl with her blind hope to find her person someday, may be i will when I can drive my own car or when I swim in my own pool.