Mar 12 2022

Dear C,

We are never gonna speak again ? I am the same confused person i was when you spoke to me first and a stuck up on the idea of love but i am not a bad person to get rid off. What could possibly make you not to even speak to me again, was it a crime to tell someone you love them? Or was it bcos i am a woman and it's not very womanly? Or you dint know what to say ?

I don't want you to not be in my life. You always will remember someone by how they made you feel, i was very happy and also scared that I will lose you whenever I spoke to you, i dint understand why. Ok, love blinded me. I am over it now, i tried my best to stay away, i deleted and added your number multiple times, i unfollowed you on Instagram it was hard not to see you and if I saw you i felt the need to contact which i promised you i wouldn't. Yes, i am breaking that now, so don't trust me completely. You have made it private, not very happy about it but that's what it is. I know you have so much in your head to do in your life and i can see you want to focus on those than fall in these silly things which you probably already had and understood that it is really not a big deal. 

I never had a home like i always imagined and i have never come to someone that i loved and shared the home with, so it's difficult to let go of that image. I am super good at moving on, i did date another one and moved on from that too, i do understand no person is your soulmate or only love or forever, i get that big time, also we are all compatible with too many out there if we look for, but the catch is everyone will have to take efforts to keep any relationship alive. It's never easy. And you are not the only handsome talented guy who i met, there were others too, am just saying, i was always lucky that way, I hate that too. 

I don't feel hesitant to say things to you, these are so private and vulnerable to agree with a guy who i barely know, but you keep coming to my mind like today and i hate silence as response, yes i hate it but i couldn't be mad at you for not replying and ignoring me like i dint exist. And i am on that awful apps again talking to strangers, yes, may or may not find stability which i think is most important. I would end up regretting the minute I might be when I get there if at all. 

You really don't want me to be part of your life? I think i miss you now and angry at myself about it too. I don't even know you very well which confuses me because i am so sure that you are a certain way and i am so confident that I wouldn't be wrong about you and i know you will like me for sure. Not everything has to be defined, i believe in that. Or i am just imagining. I don't know. 

I hope you are ok and well and working super hard to get where you want to. I hope you have someone to fall back on, now and then. If not now, someday when you feel like talking to someone and think of me, you should call me. Because i would want to listen to you and will have things to say to you too bcos i can never forget your voice and only you have that like you told me last time. And yes, i do listen to you sing but it makes me too emotional so i am away from that too for now but i will get back to it, do sing more, may be another Tamil song. Feels like i am writing a letter to someone far away who may or may not get the letter. 

I might not be what you expected me to be both on how i look and how i am as a person. I have to respect that and also respect your way of handling a mad person like me who messages paragraphs at an odd hour of the night. I don't know if u dint care enough to get rid of my contact or too busy to even remember me. I hope i don't make you frown or be annoyed when you read this. And yes, i cant deny the fact that you might have too many women who are interested too. I very well know that. This also will go 99% unanswered, but you know what, this blind hope is what I really have and the one that drives me in life.

Love,

T