Oct 6 2021

Can't really go back there

2.49am

Last two days were difficult. So much confusion and misery and numbness. I cried, as usual I went back to him. I was obsessing over how you made me feel and told myself that I was the happiest with him.

Sure,may be on days when things were extremely good. Few days in 12+ years it was, it has to be. And I chose to remember it a certain way. 

Not putting him on a spot but me instead for the way I remember things and how I think I felt and how in the worst of worst state of mind, he asks me that he has to see me , asks me where I am, I say at home clearly where he can't set his foot in, so he tells me to go see him, I do , I book my ticket again with his no support or effort , then he says he will come pick me up at airport, I say no that I would break if I see him, so I tell him that I will go to his place instead, I go and I hug and I cry . 

It's all imaginary, its all in my head. I ask myself if I want him back, I avoid that question most of the time thinking I would say yes. But I still ask, I feel like I am saying I wouldn't want him back but I don't believe me. Not sure why yet. Then something knocks me from all this shitty thoughts, I am crying, so when I am at worst I go to him like I always did, I cry, most of the times when it's about him, I cry, I get hurt, it aches, it feels worst , and fucking he left me in the worst possible way that I can trust no man or I don't know if I ever would. But fuck me for thinking I was the happiest when I was with him.

Yes, may be for that day. No one else has made me feel so loved the way you did. But no one ever will hurt me the way you always did throughout knowing you. It's more pain and numbness that's left from what we had than any peace. I don't want you back ever and I am right even if I find it hard to believe me.