Sep 26 2021 another one

What have you done with life?

2.40am

If someone ask me what have you done with life, what's your life art? What have you made or created or felt that defines you in all possible ways, I would probably say this.

I wouldn't think for a second even if I hesitate to say it out loud, it's my love for him. That's what I did, that's what I lived with and still do, that's what I know the best, that's what makes more sense and makes me believe that I am a living human being.

So many phases, so many are extinct and so many new discoveries.

You and I are great friends, I believe if you be friends and if you find eachother attractive, you can be great lovers too, that's what we were. So much so that, there was a lot of friendship that you celebrated it by writing my name on your door. You wanted to show me off as your best friend. I don't know if we could be friends again, there is more to life, am just 32 

We were lustful, romantic, crazy about eachother that we spent time as much as possible doing everything we enjoyed doing together. Recording our voices, attaching pictures of eachother and sharing everything possible under the sky because one want the other to feel what they possibly went through.

Then there was a phase when one of them wanted to explore with out the other and both ended up wanting eachother for different reasons in their life but sustaining the crazy physical mindfucking love. May be the age or love or lust or all of them or just the possibility to be there for eachother in such way. It was undefined confusing and erratic which also lead to longing, suffering and thoughts of not living anymore without the other person.

Somehow we were finally and slowly falling to the first cycle but with more twists of actually putting everything in action but with a lot of insecurities and thoughts of losing freedom. We terribly failed when we involved others who had no idea on why keeping us together and imagining a life together was hard for the both. In someway they scared the one and the other did everything one can possibly could and waited endlessly and with blind hope.

Still the one couldn't find peace which he was looking for and suddenly, I hate to say but I have to use that word, magic happened and he finds himself in a different land where everything seemed so impossible to happen, with so much ease that he left her abrubtly. And she, yes she had no idea on what's next and what has happened. 

As always she picks piece by piece of the broken parts of her with no possibility to hate him for it and still find her own way to continue the art she haven't realised making. To everyone the story ended in previous state, even maybe to him. Isn't ? She thought so too. But looks like it's there to sustain as long she lives. From now on it's a single person show, atleast as of now. She writes . She used to talk to herself and to god. Now she has added him. Never wondered if he ever heard her. She blindly felt he did or she dint care like she did with others.

What's exciting is that, what she thought is hers is, still hers no matter where she was, with or without his presence, it was hers all the time. And what's funny is also the same, she was hoping to find some closure atleast now but looks like it's a life's work and so many years to fill and feel and create. 

Not sure if there is more like this or if this is the only crazy one but this is what she knows, this is what she identifies with, this is her reality in someway, this is her life's never ending piece of art which always needs attention and love and need, this is her , this is me.