Aug 21 2021
Why can't I cry ? What is that I feel?
11.50pm
It's onam today, for as long as I remember I have celebrated onam irrespective of me not being a malayali. I was always invited to my friends place and my ex's place on this day.
Even today, my best friend made everything I asked her for because it's onam. She packed a box full of my favourite dish to take home wiyh me. If not her and her family, I would be lost. They see me as family including their kid. I am very very grateful for that. What she been to me these last few years is irreplaceable.
Even then, I just couldn't control myself from being lost. I spent the whole day with them doing what I wanted to do. They came out for me, she cooked for me, they even dropped me home after getting biscuits for my dogs.
I saw pictures of everyone dressed up and posing such lovely family pictures. And I realised it for real that everyone is in a relationship or marriage for years. And I had no one. It's just me like how I was even when I was in a relationship.
Am I so unlovable or am I unlucky or am I so hard to be with ? I couldn't understand. What's wrong with me ? Why nothing sticks, why no one wants to stay ? Why can't I even cry ? What's wrong ? What's this what ever is that I feel? I feel choked. I feel lost. I used to feel jealous, I don't even feel that anymore. Why it doesn't happen for me ? Why don't I deserve a little love too? Why am I doing everything on my own always ? Why ? How much longer ? Why am I stuck? I am so hurt, I don't feel anything. I just want to lock myself up and not see any of this . It hurts. So much .
Only solace is, she understood that I am going through something even without me saying a word and asked me what is it. If she also dint see it, it doesn't matter if I am here or not, right? I don't matter and I have no one to share anything with. Friends are friends, parents are parents, i will never have a family of my own ? Right. Even my two cats got lost who I considered family. May be I will never have one. I might become more numb and may be get used to it. But I don't have much hope on having my family and finding my person . Forget having kids for real.