11 Feb 2021

Another day ? But it feels painfully the same

6.45am

The only relief or I don't know if it is actually a relief, is to write it here. I had that one person who I could call when I feel overwhelmed and wanted to run to and just talk, yes talking about what ever it is helped me. Just letting it go off me was the best I could do to myself. I had one person. He would listen. Most of the times. He would calm me down almost all the time. He was my rock.

I honestly don't know why I couldn't sleep, why I feel extremely uninterested in anything about life and why I am desparate to find someone who I can talk to and I fail all the time. I struggle to sleep, I exhaust myself emotionally and my head feels so messed up that I sleep somehow. I sleep during the day these days and I am at my parents and they have no idea that I am lost. 

And last two years, I have talked to several people mostly strangers, I did feel better but there was no constant person who I could go to. I tried patching up with my brother but it dint work, I am not blaming him, I can't expect him to understand me. My parents were never there or to be clear never know that I have issues. My one good friend is busy most of the time, I did fight about this her but I guess she either dint understand or genuinely don't have the time. Again, I am left with zero options.

I feel tired of lying down in this bed locked up. I don't feel good. Its like I fool myself with distractions, if I don't watch those random videos I would go mad. I should have gone to the doctor on Monday for ear infection, checked my ATM card, went out to some place or taken a walk, but I couldn't do any of it. 

I am scared, I don't want to live this way, I don't want this to become a habit, this is not what I really wish for, is everyone on their own? Is it wrong to expect someone to be your side? What should I do? Whom should I ask? I don't want another day of this emptiness. I am sick of it.