Jan 14 2021

4am

A decade of my unrequited love 

After weeks of miserable days where I couldn't get myself out of bed, last two days were like a breeze until I remembered you.

January 14 2011, I guess you won't remember it for sure. I was in love, head over heels, always so consumed by your thoughts and the very existence of your presence in my life, I saved up and got you a ring as a token of my love, in my head I had married you that day, I was so scared to give you and I did in a place where I felt so closer to you. You took it, it was not fitting but you still took it and I was relieved. I never thought you would break my heart in a month post that, you left me for the very first time after which I never understood what you felt for me, even today I won't be able to comprehend it.

After what felt like a lifetime of my unrequited love for you with all the pain and apprehensions almost every other day, you broke my heart again after 7 years this time. Then somehow I learnt you brought her home the very same day in 2019, I also understood that's your anniversary somehow?

It's 2021 January 14, been a decade of my mad love where I never found a stable ground to stand up on and live it. I read some of my letters to you sent over this time period, you know what, I still feel the same when it is you, not sure how I should take it, because it makes me so vulnerable that I want to run back to you once again. 

But in retrospect if I see these years it's more to do with pain, loneliness, confusions, suffering, every day in some way. I don't understand, I am not capable to comprehend what is this I feel when it comes to you. 

It's been more than 2 years since i stopped contacting you, I have been with so many people post that and was in love too once again, but no one, noone has done this to me.

I wanted to bash you so I will feel better, hence I started writing this, but I am unable to do it, why? What is it with you and me? I cry almost every time I remember you or read anything I wrote to you in the past, it was soul crushing to let you go and learn you dint wanted to be with me. 

Still can't hate you, can't let others do too, so hurt and torn. I, again and again wish was that you never belived my love for you. Why was it so hard? Do you know how hard it is for me to fight what I have for you and move on and hold on to faith and exist and live with little of left over love?