Oct 25 2020

Dream, subconscious, Love the wrong kind !

"There are two different kinds, I believe, of human attraction: One which simply disturbs, unsettles, and makes you uneasy, And another that poises, retains, and fixes and holds you" - Arthur Hugh Clough

The above lines resonated with me, I always knew when it comes to love that it should make eachother grow and inspire eachother in things which are important to the individual. And I dint give much thought about the first line which is far more important to understand the difference.

What I wonder now is, I always thought that he only inspired me and I felt calmer with him, may be initially he did that's why I fell head over heels with him. But, all that left was uneasiness over time and struggle. I was so moved by these lines yesterday that it somehow made me end up thinking about him and I was convinced I might still love him.

And today, I realise that I had a terrible and disturbed sleep. I was so anxious throughout the sleep and when I had slept deep and dreamt, I see him again and even there after all the good marks he got from me the previous night, he made me feel like shit, I was treated to the worst, I was made to feel so lost that I am running somewhere to kill myself again. 

Why ?

In reality I don't want to kill myself anymore nor did i talk to him. But the impact he had on me and the subconscious is so strong that the moment he came into my life even when it was just a dream he still made me feel reckless again. I am so glad I woke up before I did something to myself.