Aug 12 2020

I don't think I belong here..

"I don't belong here" this is something that I felt throughout years. Time after time, when things go good or bad I always felt I just don't belong here but somewhere else. It's not just a fleeting thought, it's a very strong feeling that I really believed in it.

When I was in class 3rd I thought can all of it be just a dream? that I am dreaming them and I am not really in class 3. I lost my favourite yellow pencil box with all my favourite things, though I knew it fell off on the way back home. I din't ask my dad to stop to pick it up. I left it. And then I was thinking all this. It came up whenever I wanted to change something in my life, I wished I could go back to before my 3rd class. Basically days of which I have no memory of.

Then in college, then when I lost him for the first time I thought why can't it all be just a dream, then one night when I was with him, I don't remember if I told him or just thought to myself, I felt out of place. This was on one of my happiest day where I felt life can't get any better than this and there is nothing which will make me feel happier than I already was. I think I told him too. I always feel like I am on extended time here and all I am waiting for is to wake up and go back to a place where I will feel like I belong there.

I feel it again today, yes I so badly want to have a kid, have someone to grow old with, have a place which I can call it home and grow plants and have a swing and take a hot shower. But I also feel that it's time and I am on an extended time, not sure why but it's past due. I should go to the place where I belong because I don't over here. It's making no sense to keep breathing. I wish I knew whom I should approach.

It's just that I am tired of this and this sense of not belonging to a place where you have to constantly make an effort to live in makes it much harder to go on. It's not as easy as breathing and even breathing goes on only until there is oxygen. I wish it's all just dream and I will be where I belong when I wake up tomorrow.