May 14 2020

To all the men in my life

I don't know if I want to be or already a feminist. I don't even know if I want to be one. I believe in equality but it's always dependent on the individual.

The one who I was in love with left me for another woman, I don't know if my own father ever cared about me, my brother doesn't bother if i am part of his life or not. I have genuinely made attempts to my capacity to maintain it. But they always look down on me. As if I have no brain or heart for that matter. It doesn't matter, If I don't meet their expectations or agree and if I speak back they easily throw me off the next minute. And all of them have done it to me at one point or the other. I don't understand how emotions work for them, but it's different with me. I can't cut off like that unless they force me and want that from me. 

I don't understand why would I have to cry for it or feel bad. I don't have too many people to fall back on. And I am not someone who would want to be saved all the time. Or may be I am all wrong and they were right. Worst part is, all 3 men whom I considered and thought that I could rely have blocked me and made sure I can't contact them easily. And not just for a day . For days and months. 

I never asked for financial support or burdened them or demanded anything. I never could emotionally rely on them, I will never know how that it would feel like. And I am not an orphan, to the world I have everyone I am supposed to have.

Other than writing this here, I don't have any other way to calm myself down. Are all men the same? Why I always long for a male figure in my life? Why am I not enough? When in reality I am all I always have and had. Why can't I accept or see it?