April 18 2020

Will I ever get to be a mom?

I wish I had the opportunity to think about getting pregnant and be shit scared to become a mom, mommy? I have Inji. But he doesn't give a fuck anymore though I know he loves me. 

All my life, I was scared that I won't be financially independent that I would have to pay interests like my whole family does, I never thought falling in love, getting accepted as a partner, making a commitment for life, getting pregnant or having a baby will be question mark. I never thought those would be a problem in my life. I never thought I wouldn't get any of it until now. None of it happened. I don't necessarily want all of it or even in the same order . Not even one ? Don't I get to deserve any one of it? 

I keep thinking what's wrong with me. Yes, I am fat other than that I am not bad, am not horrible, am kinder and understanding than many people I know. Why none of it is happening. Even my attempts to find love falls in to gutter every single time. I dive in with all my heart, but no. Not even an unexpected pregnancy? Yea I should have to have sex for it to happen. 

Never thought I will be at this state at 31. Lost my only love . All others were either fake or never reciprocated. Not lucky enough or daring enough to have sex with random person or even thibj about getting pregnant. 

But I have got lakhs in my account, stable income, work, house to live, pet, now university acceptance in canada, and where am I flying to ? For what? To do what? To study more and make even more money ? And do what with all that money again? 

Never thought I will be at this state at 31. I don't know how to get to those things I really wish and hope for. I really don't know. I wish I knew or one of it just happened to me too. I really do.