Jan 25 2020

Suicide..

Yes, Suicide. It was part of my 20's. I still can't comprehend why I would want to end myself, I don't feel that way anymore. But when ever I read about it or someone talk to me on it, it bothers me. It bothers to me the core that it reminds me of how I was when I was going through it. I know it's an awful thought for a 20+ year old to think about and go through, I would never understand why I wanted to end myself. May be I thought it would solve my problems, also I strongly felt I never belonged here. Which I wonder if I still do!

More than my suffering of wanting to end myself somehow and be lost into the darkness, it's the thought that, I used to bother him so much because of what I was going through. Neither I want to justify myself nor I want to be against me now, but I feel extremely sorry for what I did to him just because I wanted to end myself. It was lot of times just to blackmail him, threaten him so he would be there for me, and many a times it was genuinely how I felt and I fucking wanted him to save me somehow from myself.

I don't know how he saw it, but he was a good soul, he would try his best to save me from myself every single time. I can't imagine the thoughts he might have had or the pain he must have been through to see the one whom he loved suffer like that and see that she wanted to end herself in someway and always made sure she told him every single time. I can't imagine what it would be like. I don't know how I would be handling it if someone did the same to me. 

I am sorry, and if I had known or understood the magnitude of damage it would have had on you which I still don't know completely, I wouldn't have done it. And I am sorry for it. I wish you never have to face it anymore. And I pray that you don't get to remember me when ever you your hear the word SUICIDE.