Jan 16 2020

Life jacket, Drowning, Sea and Me..

It's like that time, when I fell accidentally into the middle of the sea while playing a sport, I don't know when or how I ended up there.. I thought I was completely safe, I had life jacket on me, I knew I might fall anytime but I also hoped I wouldn't if I held the handle tighter. 

Still, I was there in the middle of the sea. It took few moments after I fell to come to my sense of what has had happened. It was instinct that tried to keep myself above water but also my fear that tried to stand in the middle of the sea, yes I was forcibly trying to stand until I realised I am floating and not really drowning because of life jacket. I had to calm myself to just breathe and relax so someone will come in a boat and eventually pick me up.

That's exactly how I feel now, I think I have come to my senses that I am actually safe and I am my life jacket who will protect me from drowning. I did fall into the middle of the sea when he left me abruptly and now I see him celebrate anniversaries. I was trying to stand up in middle of the sea for a while in the last year, slowly I also realized I don't have to because I was there to protect me, I did everything right from reading, writing, talking to strangers, taking all possible ways of help from people I knew, dating people, listening and being kind to myself and others through all of this. Now that I know I am not drowning anymore and I am there to protect myself if it may happen again, all that I realize is I  am just waiting for that boat to come pick me up back to my home where I can actually stand. I would really really appreciate if that boat comes a little faster like it did when I was in the actual sea, because I don't want to keep floating with my life jacket. Life has to move on..