Oct 26 2019

Am I a bad person?

I don't feel attached to my mom or my dad. After months I came home, i was so happy to look at the new plants in front of my house and also on the sides. I was happy that she has made an effort to grow them inspite of having very little space..

I was overwhelmed by how my baby dogs have grown so big that they pushed me in one go.. I was happy to show Inji to them still they shouted like crazy.. Inji was cool as cucumber, he was least bothered and just dint want to go near them and be left alone in a room.. he was fine by himself.. 

So now what, I had the same blank food I have had for years, I don't know how she could make dal rice and coconut chutney like that, I think I would cook better. It's ok, am not complaining, it's not her interest may be. Let it be. Am not fussy about taste..

My dad and mom, I don't feel anything, I don't feel connected at all. Yes, I felt really bad to see his feet having so many wounds and nails gone black. I do see them becoming weak and old. And I see the same fights between them. My mom's frustration, I wonder what's her wish is. What would she really want. 

She knocked my door post dinner, I was little scared and was kinda hoping she would wanna talk, but as usual she wanted money. I gave it to her. I came back, lied down, tears started to roll down my eyes. Why am I feeling alone in my own home ? What do I miss? Why don't I feel the sense of family in my own home? Why does it feel alienated. Why do I have the thoughts that I would have been more free and myself in my own home at Bangalore? 

Do I expect too much? Or am I a sad person in general? Or is it bcos I had come to my home via the two roads I dread the most? Unfortunately I visited both the roads this morning on my way home, I know both my ex boyfriends have gotten married and have children and have come for Diwali to their home. And here I am, taking Inji to my home after months of no communication. 

This doesn't feel right, this doesn't even put me in normal mode. There is no hope, no light, no energy, no festive mood. It's like we are punished to be as a family. Am I a bad person to feel all this ? Or am I just too depressed that I can't see anything normally? I wish I could sleep a little early today.. nothing else can help me from this.