Jan 28 2019

Goodbyes.. Emptiness.. Existence.. Life..

So often these days i feel this pit in my stomach, there is so much emptiness inside of me that it has made me question my existence..

It has exhausted all my energy and has taken away all the hope and so much love from me, I have lost a part of myself which I will never get to live with again..

I have felt this so many times in these few months when I realised he really left without saying goodbye..

Someone I knew in my heart, someone I believed I knew. I would not have felt this way if it was not for him..

It's him.. It's him.. the one I grew up with, the one with whom I shared everything, the one whom I believed in, the one I respected immensely..

I have non stop thought about why it happened , how it could have happened. My wandering mind could just not understand and comprehend why..

It's all just theories and conclusions I came up with..

He didn't explain, I didn't ask him either..

I couldn't ask him, I really couldn't ask him, this is a first for me.. I felt its better not to ask.. I didn't want the empty feeling to come back..

But this empty sick feeling in my stomach just doesn't go away, I don't feel it every day. But when it's there, i can feel it so much inside of me..

I wish it's helping me to move on with life, telling me to go find myself. I want it to push me to read more, understand what I want , how I feel, help me find myself. Because I never made any effort to do any of this until now, it was always him, like God I would just go surrender myself with all I had..

I have not changed much in these few months , but I see myself attempting to read everyday, I have stacked up my book shelf like crazy these days. I watch people talk about life and experiences which has answered a lot of questions which I  never thought about..

I have become good at calming myself these days which I never did, i always ran to him for comfort..

I feel so much relieved after he left, It is no more my responsibility to take care of him, like I am relived of some duty I was doing for last decade..

I have stopped crying in these few months, I no more feel the excruciating pain in my heart which was there for the entire 2018, now it has shifted to my stomach..

The emptiness, the void, the pit, it's very much there. But i want to embrace them with nothing but love and try to find myself, so I can love me someday and live this life instead of mere existence..